From the moment you were born you have been with me. All day. All night. Going on adventures together. Cuddling on the couch with some good snacks and TV. We have laughed and we have cried. We have loved and we have fought. I’ve kissed your boo boos and tickled you til the tears rolled down your cheeks. Sure there have been times where you have been watched by someone else. There have been days here and there when you would be left with someone else for the night. But for the most part, my dear first born, you have been with me more than anyone else.
You have taught me so much about what it takes to do this mothering thing. You have put songs of joy into my heart as well as made me want to tear out my hair. I could never put into words the capacity of my love for you. To watch you grow up these last few years has been a privilege, as well as some of the most grueling days of my life.
In just a few short weeks however, our lives will change. We will both be embarking on a new journey and a new chapter in our lives together. On that Tuesday morning, you will let go of my hand and start the big world that is kindergarten. For just shy of 8 hours, 4 days a week, you will be off doing your own thing. Making new friends. Learning new things. Being apart of the world in a far different way than you ever have before. In the next 8 months or so, you will most likely grow faster than you ever have before. In more ways than one.
I have been asked if I’m ready and I have been asked why wouldn’t I be ready. And my dear sweet one, the simple answer is: No. No, I am not ready. I feel as if just yesterday I was breathing in that sweet first scent of your fresh baby skin. I feel as if just yesterday you were learning how to walk and talk. They say kids grow up fast and goodness they aren’t lying. These 5.5 years with you have disappeared in a blink. And after being home with you all this time, you will suddenly become far more independent than either of us have ever known.
And while the world will tell me that all this is inevitable….I’m still not ready. I’m not ready to let you go. I’m not ready for this time to come to a close. These past few years I have been able to shelter you from all the scary things in this world. I have been able to shelter you from the heart ache that comes with living in it. I have been able to keep that child like faith in the world burning brightly in you.
I’m so proud of you my girl. I’m so proud of how much you love people. How much you love to learn. And while I know you are so ready for this next step, please don’t mistake the tears Mommy will shed on that day as me being upset at you. In fact it will be the opposite. It will be because my heart is bursting with pride for who you are and how brave you are charging into this next step with so much joy. At the very same time, it’s in that very moment that Mommy will be realizing how much she needs our sweet Jesus to give her strength and oh so much peace. Because the thing is baby girl, I won’t be able to let go on my own. I will want to keep you right beside me, sheltered beneath my wings. It will take a strength only Jesus can give to let you go be who He is calling you to be in this world. It will take a peace only He can give to know that no matter what, it will all be okay.
So no, my sweet one, I’m not ready for this next step in motherhood. But I know you are. And so, I will choose to let go and let God. Because while Mommy won’t be able to be there by your side through it all, I know He will be. Mommy isn’t ready, but Jesus sure is….and you better believe your mama will be in constant communication with Him.